Doctors Conspire to Create Epidemics
April 1, 2011
By Justin Kidding and April Fuel
Internet News Service
ALERT!! Your Doctor may be making you and your whole community sick!!
Our multi-hour investigation has exposed a massive conspiracy to spread illness organized by Chicago medical mobsters with corrupt doctors and pharmaceutical companies. Allegations of deliberate infections, kickbacks, and drug company trinkets have been raised by multiple personality insiders.
This elaborate scheme’s structure was revealed by our whistleblowers; “Dr. A”, “Dr.MD” and “Dr.HD” spoke to us on condition of strict anonymity. Each doctor tells an aspect of this many-faceted tale of conspiracy, greed and fear. Due to the sensitivity of the information and danger to our informants and ourselves, we will refer to the nefarious coordinating organization by the pseudonym “the American Mobster Doctor Association” aka the “AMDA”. We have confirmed and expanded on these allegations by consulting Google, Art Bell and Charlie Sheen.
We will start with the testimony of “Dr. A”, who gives the overview. “In spring we get the ‘wishbook’ from the “AMDA” which lists available pathogens. Our association reviews it and we make orders specifying germs and optimal timing of epidemics. It is required that a minimum 25% of the pathogens must be bacteria sensitive to antibiotics. In July we receive the (regionally) adjusted schedule, and the first enteroviruses appear. We order our influenza vaccine which is made to counter the 3 strains “AMDA” is using this year. In the fall, the first epidemics arrive, perhaps via jet contrails or ‘mosquito control’ spray trucks. Often a large daycare is contaminated to start things up or in smoke bombs at football games. Each month we promptly kickback part of our fees from office visits to the “AMDA” to ensure the next germ deliveries”.
How is Big Pharma involved? “The drug companies profit from the antibiotics, flu vaccines and cold medicines sold. They also help breed new flu strains to, ah, influence people to get another shot next year or else”. “Dr. A” adds, “I kept silent for years, but my loyalty ran out with the last ink from my final surviving free drug company pen”.
“Dr.HD” filled in some details. “Outbreaks are staggered around a region to decrease suspicion, the timing consistent with historical patterns. For example I might tell a parent, ‘It’s strep. We always get it this time of year’. Of course we do! As we ordered! Ha, ha, I have too much fun with it. I diagnose ‘what’s going around town’ the very day it started! And people whisper government conspiracy theories about black helicopters and I can smile, knowing it’s really the ‘AMDA’!”
“Dr. A” added, “The government is a party to it, though. Remember the saying, ‘Never let a virus go to waste’? The support of the ‘AMDA’ and Big Pharma was needed for the health care bill, so provisions hidden in the bill will continue the lucrative scheme. Of course there will be return payoffs to politicians from the profits through 'meaningful use' of EHRs. It’s the Chicago Way”.
We asked “Dr.MD”, With so many individuals in the know, how have doctors have kept this secret? She replied, “Fear. Naked fear. We know what they have, and they will not hesitate to use it on stool pigeons. C difficile. Vibrio. Entamoeba. Botulism. Even undercover sources are in danger from Treponema, Chlamydia, HIV, HPV and GC”.
It is as yet unclear whether hospitals are part of the syndicate, having no defections surviving from that quarter. Our questions of the “AMDA”were initially ignored, but after revealing our location were politely denied.
What can an individual do in the face of these threats? Unfortunately very little except wearing a little Japanese-style face mask and keeping your tinfoil hat in place.
There is no refuge from the contrails.