Let Me Rephrase That

Phone call.
Neurosurgeon declines to perform procedure on my alcoholic elderly patient.
I hang up and turn to my staff and say:

Hal Dall, MD: "Dr. X won't operate on Mr. Y because he's a drunk".
Dr. Dall's staffer: "Dr. X is a drunk"?

The Vast Medical Wing Conspiracy!

Doctors Conspire to Create Epidemics

Widespread Corruption Revealed By Informants


April 1, 2011
By Justin Kidding and April Fuel
Internet News Service

ALERT!! Your Doctor may be making you and your whole community sick!!

Our multi-hour investigation has exposed a massive conspiracy to spread illness organized by Chicago medical mobsters with corrupt doctors and pharmaceutical companies. Allegations of deliberate infections, kickbacks, and drug company trinkets have been raised by multiple personality insiders.

This elaborate scheme’s structure was revealed by our whistleblowers; “Dr. A”, “Dr.MD” and “Dr.HD” spoke to us on condition of strict anonymity. Each doctor tells an aspect of this many-faceted tale of conspiracy, greed and fear. Due to the sensitivity of the information and danger to our informants and ourselves, we will refer to the nefarious coordinating organization by the pseudonym “the American Mobster Doctor Association” aka the “AMDA”. We have confirmed and expanded on these allegations by consulting Google, Art Bell and Charlie Sheen.

We will start with the testimony of “Dr. A”, who gives the overview. “In spring we get the ‘wishbook’ from the “AMDA” which lists available pathogens. Our association reviews it and we make orders specifying germs and optimal timing of epidemics. It is required that a minimum 25% of the pathogens must be bacteria sensitive to antibiotics. In July we receive the (regionally) adjusted schedule, and the first enteroviruses appear. We order our influenza vaccine which is made to counter the 3 strains “AMDA” is using this year. In the fall, the first epidemics arrive, perhaps via jet contrails or ‘mosquito control’ spray trucks. Often a large daycare is contaminated to start things up or in smoke bombs at football games. Each month we promptly kickback part of our fees from office visits to the “AMDA” to ensure the next germ deliveries”.

How is Big Pharma involved? “The drug companies profit from the antibiotics, flu vaccines and cold medicines sold. They also help breed new flu strains to, ah, influence people to get another shot next year or else”. “Dr. A” adds, “I kept silent for years, but my loyalty ran out with the last ink from my final surviving free drug company pen”.

“Dr.HD” filled in some details. “Outbreaks are staggered around a region to decrease suspicion, the timing consistent with historical patterns. For example I might tell a parent, ‘It’s strep. We always get it this time of year’. Of course we do! As we ordered! Ha, ha, I have too much fun with it. I diagnose ‘what’s going around town’ the very day it started! And people whisper government conspiracy theories about black helicopters and I can smile, knowing it’s really the ‘AMDA’!”

“Dr. A” added, “The government is a party to it, though. Remember the saying, ‘Never let a virus go to waste’? The support of the ‘AMDA’ and Big Pharma was needed for the health care bill, so provisions hidden in the bill will continue the lucrative scheme. Of course there will be return payoffs to politicians from the profits through 'meaningful use' of EHRs. It’s the Chicago Way”.

We asked “Dr.MD”, With so many individuals in the know, how have doctors have kept this secret? She replied, “Fear. Naked fear. We know what they have, and they will not hesitate to use it on stool pigeons. C difficile. Vibrio. Entamoeba. Botulism. Even undercover sources are in danger from Treponema, Chlamydia, HIV, HPV and GC”.

It is as yet unclear whether hospitals are part of the syndicate, having no defections surviving from that quarter. Our questions of the “AMDA”were initially ignored, but after revealing our location were politely denied.

What can an individual do in the face of these threats? Unfortunately very little except wearing a little Japanese-style face mask and keeping your tinfoil hat in place.

There is no refuge from the contrails.

Homeopathic ER

H/T to Dr. Val and GruntDoc.

Doctish-English Phrase Book: Dialogue 1

This lesson illustrates a conversation using two dialects of Doctish. The physician, Dr. Lucre uses the standard form, while his patient, Mr. Slippery speaks Evadian. (Translation is provided in italics)

Dr. Lucre: Good morning, how are you today? You're here?

Mr. Solvent: I'm fine I'm here

Dr. L: What can I do for you? Can I make this a 99214? I have a Porsche payment due

Mr. S: You told me to come in for a recheck. You have a Porsche payment due

Dr. L: How has your blood pressure been doing? I see your pressure is high today. It's always high

Mr. S: It's always high when I'm in your office. It's always high

Dr. L: Do you check it elsewhere, is it any different? You don't check it

Mr. S: Once in a while. No Here's my list of numbers. I made them up

Dr. L: We talked before about lifestyle modification. I see you've gained weight, have you been exercising? How about salt intake? You'll blow me off again and I don't get paid for talking

Mr. S: Your scales are off, at home I weigh less than last time. I try to watch the salt. I have this script memorized

Dr. L: Any side effects from your medicine? Can I get moderate risk?

Mr. S: Only the price. Didn't buy it

Dr. L: Any new symptoms in any way? Nope, not even limited risk. I need more HPI elements. Mx/Dx options?

Dr. L: Have you had any chest pain, trouble breathing, edema, etc... ROS x2, check

Mr. S: Nope Nope

Dr. L: Any Family Medical History of hypertension? need 1 pfsh, Check

Mr. S: Not yet. Check your notes, idiot! You ask every visit.

Dr. L: Let me check you over [does brief physical exam]. I need 12 bullets, Check

Mr. S: Why'd you hafta check my ears? He's padding the bill

Dr. L: It's a valuable thing to check. I'll get to charge more

Mr. S: Anything else Doc? Anything else?

Dr. L: I want to double your Hypotensin pill. Take your Hypotensin pill

Mr. S: OK, I'll need a new prescription. I tossed the old prescription

Dr. L: Ok, here you go. I want to recheck you in 3 months. Same same in 3 months.

Mr. S: Ok, 3 months. Same same in 3 months.

Background Music for the O.R.

Here is some excellent stuff!



More at www.laryngospasms.com

Treating Me In Dementia

I had a long-time patient tell me last week that she had a solution for her own future dementia.

She would rig a bomb and wrap it as a gift to herself. If she ever developed dementia, she'd forget what was in the box and open it.

A nurse told me her advance directive includes a provision that if she cannot remember to ask for her medicines, she's not to receive them.

I'd add the exception that the care provider should give me morphine, antiemetics, haloperidol and lorazepam as needed.

Any other ideas?

Doctish-English Phrase Book

Doctish-English and English-Doctish Travelers' Phrase Book-- Introduction and Initial Lesson

Doctish is a dialect of Medicalese in wide use, however misunderstandings commonly occur with its use. Despite CMS mandates, there remains insufficient availability of translators due to scarcity and expense. Many phrases seem to have the same meaning in English but mean something else entirely. In addition, a superficially similar but unrelated language with many dialects (Alternivarian) causes confusion through similar terms with bogus meanings [ed. note. Although Alternivarian often has Medical or Medicalese appended to its name, it is an Alien toungue from another universe with scant connection with physical reality].

This guide will be published in installments so as to maximize your learning experience and our revenue.

Lesson 1 Common expressions
Doctish phrase / Plain English translation

Hello, I'm Dr. ______. / Let's get on with it. I only have 7 minutes

Who referred you? / Who is to blame?

How can I help you? / What can I do to you?

How did it happen? / You did what?

Which toe is it? / I'm blind.

Where do you hurt? / Where will you hurt even more in a minute?

Lemee feel it. / Minute's up.

Does that hurt? / Stop screaming!

We need to run some tests. / I'm hear lawyers' hoofbeats.

We need to do a diagnostic procedure. / I have a Porche payment due.

This won't hurt a bit. / This will hurt.

You will experience some discomfort. / This will hurt a lot.

I'll give a few pain pills for home. / This will hurt more than you can imagine.

The results are back. / Oh, oh.

I'm not certain, but... / I'm certain.

Do you have an advance directive? / You're toast.

Is there anyone else I should talk to? / You're toast and I need to butter up the next of kin.

I'll send a report to your regular doctor. / I've run out of procedures to do on you.

You can follow-up with your PCP. / Not my problem!