Doctish-English and English-Doctish Travelers' Phrase Book-- Introduction and Initial Lesson
Doctish is a dialect of Medicalese in wide use, however misunderstandings commonly occur with its use. Despite CMS mandates, there remains insufficient availability of translators due to scarcity and expense. Many phrases seem to have the same meaning in English but mean something else entirely. In addition, a superficially similar but unrelated language with many dialects (Alternivarian) causes confusion through similar terms with bogus meanings [ed. note. Although Alternivarian often has Medical or Medicalese appended to its name, it is an Alien toungue from another universe with scant connection with physical reality].
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Lesson 1 Common expressions
Doctish phrase / Plain English translation
Hello, I'm Dr. ______. / Let's get on with it. I only have 7 minutes
Who referred you? / Who is to blame?
How can I help you? / What can I do to you?
How did it happen? / You did what?
Which toe is it? / I'm blind.
Where do you hurt? / Where will you hurt even more in a minute?
Lemee feel it. / Minute's up.
Does that hurt? / Stop screaming!
We need to run some tests. / I'm hear lawyers' hoofbeats.
We need to do a diagnostic procedure. / I have a Porche payment due.
This won't hurt a bit. / This will hurt.
You will experience some discomfort. / This will hurt a lot.
I'll give a few pain pills for home. / This will hurt more than you can imagine.
The results are back. / Oh, oh.
I'm not certain, but... / I'm certain.
Do you have an advance directive? / You're toast.
Is there anyone else I should talk to? / You're toast and I need to butter up the next of kin.
I'll send a report to your regular doctor. / I've run out of procedures to do on you.
You can follow-up with your PCP. / Not my problem!